Tomorrow Luke will be 3 weeks old and I will be 35 years old. I've found myself doing a fair bit of thinking today and wanted to try to get some of my thoughts written out (these thoughts are a bit sappy, so I won't mind if you decide to skip over reading this particular blog post).
As I sat down this afternoon with Luke lying on my chest, sleeping peacefully, I felt rather blissful. I remember talking to my best friend, who has been a stay-at-home mom, about becoming a stay-at-home mom myself when I was making the decision over whether or not to accept the job offer. One of the things I was most worried about was that I would find myself to be bored during much of the day. She assured me that there was always something to do and she really did not feel bored. And after just these three weeks, I can say that I have not felt a minute of boredom so far.
Exhaustion, yes. But not boredom. I could (and have) honestly sit for hours just watching Luke sleep. I don't really notice the time passing. I am mesmerized by the faces he makes in his sleep. And when his eyes are open and he is just looking around the room, I find myself just staring at him (and talking to him) and not caring that the dishes haven't been washed, the floors have not been vacuumed, or even that I have done very little knitting in these past three weeks. Being Luke's mother is more than enough for me right now.
And I found myself wondering today why on earth we didn't start a family sooner; why we waited so long for this to happen and to have these feelings. Why on earth did I spend so many years in graduate school if I didn't plan to use my degree (I do plan to do a limited--by geography--job search this year, but I'm not seeking a job as intensely as I was in the past three years)? I could have been a mother for years already.
And yet I don't think that having a child years ago would have worked out as well. I feel that it is only now that I am truly ready for motherhood. I have cultivated my own life, getting a higher degree which was very fulfilling, and learning more about myself and who I am and what I love. My own self-building is by no means over--I plan to continue to cultivate other parts of me besides being a mother--but I am much more confident and comfortable in my own skin than I was even 3 or 5 years ago. So these years have not been a waste; it was necessary to work through those years to get to this point where I feel like I can truly devote myself to my son while still being who I am and not completely losing my own identity.
I have to admit that I was pretty sure that I would suffer through postpartum depression and I wasn't sure how I would make it through that. And if I had had a child years ago, I probably would have done so. But now, I feel no depression whatsoever. I feel amazement and wonder and happiness and peace. Don't get me wrong: I worry about stuff and I am quite tired from lack of sleep, but my mood is in a very positive state.
So as I reflect upon the past 35 years (or rather, one day short of 35 years), I feel that I am at a good place in my life. Do I have any regrets? Somewhat. Going to grad school caused us to make some sacrifices: on a grad student salary, we don't have as strong of a financial backing as we could have had were I to have been working full-time all of these years; we have been unable to make J's dream of owning a sports car come true so far (it's still something we plan for); we do not own our house; and most importantly we live far away from family and would really like to be closer to them.
But all of those things have led up to this point and I don't think that I would be where I am now--with a nearly three week old baby sleeping against my chest (in a Moby wrap) making me feel happy and whole and complete. I love J and have loved being able to spend the past 11 married years together with just the two of us, really working on building our own relationship, but the expansion of our family just makes it even better. I don't know what the years ahead have in store for us--a house, a sports car, a move back toward family, or perhaps only some of those things and many surprises--but I am looking forward to finding out with my husband and my son by my side.
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