Meltdown

I think that I've been taking Luke for granted a bit, as far as his behavior. I've gotten used to just being able to nurse him and then plop him in the car seat and run errands while he sleeps the whole way through them. So I assumed that the same thing would happen today. So very much not what happened.

He had a nice morning with some feedings and playtime. Then he took a nap for almost an hour in his swing. When he woke up, I nursed him. He seemed like he was going to fall asleep again, so I got him ready to go and into the car seat he went. Into the car and we were off to Hobby Lobby. No sooner was I on the major road toward the store then Luke started crying. And I'm not talking about just a little crying. He was screaming crying. It was heart wrenching but there was not a good place for me to stop so I drove on to the shopping center and pulled over as soon as I got into the parking lot. I jumped into the back seat and took Luke out of his car seat. He seemed to calm down a little but was still upset. I checked to see if any part of his clothing might be bothering him, checked his diaper, looked for anything else that might be wrong but couldn't find anything. So although he had just eaten before we left the house, I nursed him again. That calmed him (perhaps he really was still hungry. I have noticed just in the past couple of days that he has been eating more at one sitting so I might have stopped too quickly before we left the house.).

So we went to Hobby Lobby and he fell asleep while I was shopping. Ah, my perfect errand-running baby was back. After HL, I went to another store in the same shopping center. As I was checking out, Luke started to wake up, but he didn't seem like he was upset. So I got him in the car and planned to run another errand. Instead, we ended up just going straight home, and we couldn't get there fast enough (no, I did not drive recklessly or anything; it just seemed like we got behind the slow cars and hit every light) because Luke started his screaming crying again. What is going on?? I thought perhaps he might be a little too warm because I was feeling a bit warm in the car, so I cranked up the air conditioning (so strange to do that when there is snow on the ground!). That seemed to help a little but he was still upset.

So I pulled into the garage, got Luke out, left the packages in the car, and rushed into the house. I got him out of the car seat and just held him and bounced him. He finally calmed down, and we sat down and I nursed him again. Now he's back in his swing and it looks like he's taking his afternoon nap. But I'm prepared to feed him as soon as he shows signs of waking up as it seems like he is just ravenous today and I don't want another one of those crying episodes because it just really is heart breaking to hear him so upset.

Three Months

Three months ago today, Luke was born. I'll start with the cliches: I can't believe how quickly this time has gone and I can't remember my life before Luke. Yes, they are cliche, but cliches become that way because they are usually true.

The last month has definitely had quite a few developments. We're sleeping a little longer at night (though still not sleeping through the whole night yet). Luke has grown even more: we're now into size 2 diapers (just have about 3-4 size 1 diapers left to use up) and it looks like he's outgrown most of his 0-3 month size clothing, so I'm pulling out the 3-6 month stuff now.

He also is really starting to grab onto objects. There's a ball that he seems to really like and he'll actually hold onto it with both hands, pull it up to his mouth, and even pass it back and forth between his hands. It's so much fun to see him interacting with objects.

And he laughed for the first time while he was awake! He's been laughing in his sleep (I really would like to know what he's dreaming about) for a few weeks now. J finally got to hear him do that as he had only been doing it while J was at work. But then J was tickling Luke the other day and there was a little laugh that escaped from him. It hasn't happened again yet (lots and lots of smiling though), but it was wonderful to hear it happen for the first time and I look forward to more laughter.

But the biggest change, which has really only been very recently, has been in his mental development. I can tell that he's so much more aware of his surroundings now. He's looked around before, of course, but now he really looks around at things (still a lot at the ceiling). I think he's even finally noticed the cats. It's getting harder to keep his eyes diverted away from the TV (no TV watching for him until he's 2 years old), so we've had to be a lot more careful about which way he's facing when we have the TV on. Although he still enjoys snuggling up against us, he now also wants to turn around and face outwards instead of always being pressed up against our chests. And although his attention span isn't really long, he's starting to actually look at the pages in books when we read them together, at least very briefly.

These developments are super exciting, perhaps just as much so to him as to me and J. So much so that Luke is just wearing himself out with looking around at everything that he doesn't want to go to sleep as much. And so he's getting overtired at times. And in the past few days, he's had some really big (for him) fussy moments where he just starts crying and it's not from hunger or needing a diaper change. Nope, he's just tired but doesn't want to sleep. I thought that his swing has been helpful in the past, but I'll just say that it's even more helpful now. When he's overtired like that, it seems like putting him in the swing is the only thing that will get him to settle down and get a little nap so that he's our happy little Lukester once again when he wakes up.

And I noticed the other day that he was really enjoying "standing" on my legs and bouncing/jumping on them. So much that he got upset when I stopped holding him up. So even though most jumperoos recommend being 4 months old before using them, on Monday evening, I ran to Target and got a jumperoo (which after being on sale, using a coupon, and using gift cards was quite a good deal). I put it together Tuesday afternoon. He's definitely too small for it, but by stuffing towels around him and stacking up blocks from his play mat under his feet, I was able to get him situated so he could actually use it. And use it he did. I could see his little brain working out that if he moved his legs this way or that way then he would get to bounce/jump around. I really watched to make sure he was holding his head okay (his head control is pretty good now but he does have moments where it flops). I didn't want him to use it for too long since I am still concerned about his head control, so I took him out after about 10-15 minutes. Instant crying. He was enjoying it so much that he was upset when I took him out. I got him calmed down (thank you, swing!) but it looks like the jumperoo was a good purchase, as long as he doesn't get too upset about not being able to use it for long periods of time!

So my little baby boy is developing and growing nicely. It's so exciting to watch him start to explore his world and I look forward to seeing his continued development.

Now for the other part of the cliche: I can't remember my life without him. That's not really true. I remember my life quite well before Luke was born. But I'm much happier with this new life than with the old. As I wrote in an earlier blog post, this is what I've been waiting for: being a mother. But I also wrote that I didn't think I could have been as satisfied with this life had we had a baby even just a couple of years ago. Getting all the experiences that I did before having Luke was very valuable for me to be able to focus so much on him now (not that I've given up everything that makes me who I am).

I've been thinking about this again lately because of some posts that I've seen on the What to Expect forums (I usually read those late at night during feedings because they always make me feel great about my own life since so many of the posters seem to have really screwed up lives). Several of the other August mothers are not happy with their new lives. One woman wrote that she wishes she had been able to have a trial run with a baby before getting pregnant because if she had, she wouldn't have gotten pregnant. She misses her old life way too much and resents the baby. Several moms agreed with her. Another woman (who is getting treated for postpartum depression but still is not doing well) says that she doesn't even like her son and just sees him as this inconvenience that she can't get away from. Reading those posts makes me feel so sad for those babies. They don't want to be an inconvenience. They don't want to ruin their parents' lives. They just want to be loved and held and fed and warm. Poor babies. I am so thankful that I have not have those feelings and that Luke does not have parents who find him inconvenient. I really don't understand how those moms can look at their babies and not just melt and fall in love and want to do anything to make sure the babies are well loved. I do hope that their feelings change as the babies continue to grow and that they are able to make peace with their lives and not always want to go back to life before the baby. But knowing that there are moms out there that feel this way makes me cherish my little boy even more and helps me to not take for granted what we have, especially me being able to stay home with him.

So on the eve of Thanksgiving, that's what I'm most thankful for: this healthy, happy little boy; a wonderful husband who is a great daddy and who agrees that me staying home with him is important and works hard to make that happen; and my own feelings that this life is so much better than what we had before (although I'm glad that we had that before life). No, we're not living a perfect life (I miss our family in Texas way too much for that), but I'm so thankful for what we do have.

Here he is back on October 24:

October 27:

November 1:

November 7:

November 10:

November 20 with Daddy:

And today, November 23 at 3 months old:

A Week Alone

I've been meaning to write this post for the past week but just haven't had a chance to sit down and really do it. Last week, J was out of town (Las Vegas for an auto convention with his dad and brother) from Monday through Friday so I had Luke all to myself. I was a bit nervous about it, but it was an event that J has been wanting to go to for years and I really wanted him to be able to go, so I tried to hide my nervousness and tell myself that Luke and I would be just fine.

Monday morning was nice because J didn't have to go to the airport until the afternoon, so we spent some time together as our little family. Then he left. And even though I had spent the morning with him, after he left and the afternoon got toward the time when he usually gets home from work, I found myself listening at the door for him coming home. And then it hit me that he was at the airport and wouldn't be home that day. Heck, every day that week, I had the same feeling and kept having to remind myself that he was out of town.

All in all Luke and I did very well together although I'm very glad that I don't have to do it alone all the time. I think the biggest thing that I missed (besides handing Luke to J for a little while so I can get some stuff done around the house) was not having anyone to share Luke with. Luke would do something funny and instead of being able to say "Hey, honey, look at what Luke is doing" I had to just experience it by myself. Sure, there are times when J is at work when the same thing happens, but for some reason it just felt different. I did try to text J with pictures of Luke several times while he was gone, but I missed having him right there to be able to share experiences with Luke together.

I wasn't alone the entire week that he was gone. On Tuesday and Thursday mornings I went to meetups with local moms (which I've been greatly enjoying each week). And on Wednesday evening, friends brought over dinner (yummy pizza) and we ate together. As much as I love hanging out with the other moms and as much as I'm thankful for friends who bring dinner and themselves over, it felt so wonderful to have J come home on Friday. We are definitely a family that needs all three of us to be complete.

The other thing that I think Luke really missed was bath time with Daddy. Since I breastfeed and I'm home all day with Luke, he and I get a lot of bonding time. Although J does hold him quite a bit in the evening, it doesn't seem to be the same as the time I spend with Luke. So J has been the one who gives Luke a bath. I'm mostly just in the bathroom to lend an extra pair of hands if needed. So it's time for the boys. J always turns on some music (like Eric Clapton or something of that nature) and as he washes Luke, I just enjoy watching Luke staring up into Daddy's eyes and smiling as he enjoys his bath and his time with his Daddy. Watching them together just really makes me feel all happy and warm inside.

Since we currently give Luke a bath every three days, I had to give him a bath only once while J was gone. I tried to do the usual routine. I put on some music (although it was my music, so Gaelic Storm and Glee and whatnot) and tried to go through the bathing steps the same way that Daddy does it. Although Luke did smile, he didn't seem to be smiling as much as when Daddy gives him a bath. So it was successful in that Luke got clean and he did smile, but I know it wasn't the same experience. And honestly, I don't feel bad about that. I'm glad that bath time with me was not as much fun as bath time with Daddy. It really helps me to feel like Luke and J really do bond quite a bit with bath time and I'm so happy that they have that time together.

So I made it through the week alone with Luke. And although I'm sure it will happen again in the future (and perhaps even some time for J alone with Luke if I go somewhere, although I'm not yet ready to leave Luke overnight), I'm definitely glad that J is back home.