One year ago today I had one of the worst experiences of my life. When it happened, I didn't tell very many people about it but a year later, I really want to think back on it and be very happy that everything turned out okay in the end.
It was a teaching day. I had my morning composition class and then a break before my afternoon literature class and a comp class right after it. Things were going fine. I was about 11 weeks along in my pregnancy and not showing at all yet and hadn't really even told many people that I was pregnant yet.
When I walked into my literature class, I noticed that our small class was very small that day. I don't remember exactly how many students were there but it was at least half empty. We were discussing the Aeneid and it was just not going well. I don't know why, but those students who were there just weren't really into that day's reading (or perhaps hadn't done the reading) so it was tough get a discussion going that day. I almost called it quits halfway through class, but I kept going. About 5-10 minutes before the end of class, I felt (and this is where it might get TMI for some, so I apologize and you might want to skip ahead a few paragraphs) some wetness in my pants. I usually didn't have time to go to the bathroom between the two classes, but I went ahead and made a beeline straight to the bathroom as soon as I dismissed the class (thankfully, the students seemed to want to get out of there that day, too, and no one stayed around to chat after class).
When I got to the bathroom, I discovered that I had started bleeding. And I don't mean just a little blood, I mean a LOT of blood. The usual standard is that it is abnormal if you fill a pad within an hour. I think I would have filled one in less than half that time. I panicked a little. I was supposed to go teach another class right then. But I obviously needed to go to the doctor right away. Had the blood seeped through my pants? Could I even walk down the hall and get out to my car without everyone noticing? How should I let my class know that I needed to cancel? I think I was thinking about all of those thoughts because I was trying not to let the one thought that was most important enter my brain: was I having a miscarriage? Even now as I type this, knowing the happy outcome, I'm getting a little choked up.
I knew that I couldn't just stay in the bathroom. So I stuffed a bunch of toilet paper in my pants and walked to the liberal arts office. My class was upstairs and I didn't want to go up the stairs to go tell them personally that I had to cancel class. So I just asked one of the office assistants if she could please go up to my class and let them know that it was canceled because I had an emergency. I then went to my office to get my stuff and my office mate was there. I told her what was happening. I then walked out to my car, dialing Jarrett on my phone on the way. I think that I almost walked out in front of a car because I was so distracted. I'm sure the driver probably thought that I was just another stupid person who couldn't pay attention to where she was going because she was talking on her cell phone. I told J that I was going to go to the emergency room.
The good thing is that the hospital was actually just a few blocks away from the school so I decided to just drive myself there rather than waiting for J or calling an ambulance. But the bad thing was that the timing was right between classes so the campus was congested and I felt like it was an hour before I actually made it off the tiny campus to the street (it was probably a good 10 minutes when it should have been less than one minute).
I had never been to that hospital before--heck to be honest, I'd never been to an emergency room at any hospital before--so I followed the signs to the emergency room. When I walked in the doors, I wondered if I had the right place. I know it's not a huge hospital, but where was the bustle and all of the emergencies going on? I guess I've seen too many hospital shows on TV. It was actually a couple of minutes before someone even bothered to ask me if I needed help, as I looked around wondering where I was supposed to go. But once I explained what was happened, I got whisked off to an exam room right away.
I don't know how long it took before I was examined. I had to change out of my clothing and into a gown. When I pulled the toilet paper out, I had bled quite a bit more. My heart was racing. I wondered how long it would take Jarrett to get there. One of the first things the nurse did was check for the baby's heartbeat. I can't tell you how it felt the moment when I heard that heartbeat. It was the most wonderful sound in the world. (Again, I am getting a bit choked up now thinking about it.) Jarrett actually walked into the room about a minute later and as soon as I saw him I remember the words "There's a heartbeat" bursting out of my mouth.
We were at the hospital for several hours. I got an internal ultrasound where we saw that everything was looking good. And it was wonderful to see the image on the ultrasound, but it was hearing that heartbeat that still made me feel so much better. They had no idea why I had started bleeding (and we never did figure it out), but everything looked okay. So I was eventually discharged and told to go on pelvic rest (rather than full bed rest) until cleared by my OB.
So while I was home I made sure to sit down a lot. I didn't carry anything heavy (I wasn't supposed to lift anything over 10 pounds), so no laundry without a lot of help from Jarrett. I went back to teaching, but I took the elevator to the second floor instead of walking up the stairs, carried only the essentials to class, and sat down while teaching instead of standing or walking. And because the sitting down was so different from what I normally did in the classroom, I did end up telling my students that I was pregnant but there were some complications and I needed to take it easy for a while.
One thing that I did learn from the experience was how much the standing/walking around the room was a major part of my teaching persona. Just sitting there and not being able to move felt so foreign to me. I really hated having to teach that way, but it was worth it to make sure that everything was okay with the baby.
I did continue to bleed for a while, but never in the amount that I had bled at first. I lived in constant worry for those few weeks, waiting for each doctor's appointment in agony until I could hear that heartbeat and know that the baby was okay.
Today as I look at Luke, I remember what happened a year ago. I am so thankful that I was not having a miscarriage and that all was okay in the end. I couldn't imagine not having Luke's smiling face to look at each day. I do still wonder what could have caused the bleeding, especially in such a large amount, but I don't think we'll ever know. But now that I have relived this experience by writing it all out, I think I can really just let it go. What happened a year ago is no longer important. What is important is what is happening on February 28, 2012: Luke smiling and playing and even getting grumpy when his mouth hurts from teething. As soon as I finish typing this and hit Publish, I'm going to leave this date in 2011 behind and just focus on 2012. So I'm not even going to reread this post and edit/proofread like I usually do. It's done. And Luke is awake and happy so I'm going to go play with my son.
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