Today is my first Mother's Day. (Yes, I was pregnant last year and technically a mother, but I didn't fully feel like it "counted.") Mother is one of my new labels that defines who I am and I have embraced it fully. Although it is not the only label that defines me, it is my most highly valued one.
This part of my identity is one that brings tremendous joy but also sometimes tremendous pressure. There are so many parenting books out there that offer seemingly conflicting advice. And many of them basically say "if you don't do things this way, then you're dooming your child to become this." And then you look at the next book and it says something completely opposite. So what's a parent to do? It seems that no matter what choices are made, it's going to screw the kid up somehow. And I don't want to mess up Luke's life. And so there is stress.
But if there is so much conflicting advice, then why worry so much about parenting the "right" way, since there really doesn't seem to be a right way? And so I think about what I want to accomplish. I want Luke to grow up to be an independent man who is able to support himself who has close relationships with other people who enjoys his career and who is ultimately happy and content with his life. How to do that is the big question.
So I've thrown out all the parenting books and have made my parenting decisions based upon what I perceive to be Luke's needs, parenting by instinct and adapting to this specific child. I do look over bits of parenting advice and various studies, but my decisions are made less on the latest trend and more on this particular relationship with my son.
And these decisions do seem to match up at some points with the attachment parenting style, but I am by no means slavishly following that style. That means, for us, breastfeeding for as long as Luke still needs it, baby wearing frequently (although a lot of that is more for convenience, to be honest), not doing any cry it out, etc.
But then there are times, like this week, when this style of parenting comes highly under attack. I am referring to the Time magazine cover, which shows an almost-four-year-old boy breastfeeding in a very awkward and obviously staged photograph with a title that goes toward being offensive ("Are You Mom Enough?" implying that those who don't breastfeed their almost four year old are not mom enough). It makes those who follow attachment parenting seem to be almost freakish. And some of the comments I've read about people's thoughts on this cover and the implications are rather extreme and judgmental. It seems to be pitting mom against mom and that is something that shouldn't be. Moms should support one another in whatever parenting choices that they make (with the obvious exception of not supporting actual abuse), even if they disagree with them. Parenting is not a competition. And I'm sure that most moms want for their children what I want for Luke. And there's not just one way to get there. Sometimes I forget that and find myself making judgments about what other people do with their kids. But I try to remember that they are doing what they feel is best and they know their child(ren) best. And some of them probably don't at all agree with decisions I am making. And that's okay.
So this morning, I read an article in Reader's Digest. It's an excerpt from a book by Kate Stone Lombardi called
The Mama's Boy Myth and it echoed some of the thoughts that have been swirling in my head and also made me feel better about some of the choices I am making in Luke's life. Here's the article:
"Suppose I told you that I am very close to my son, Paul. That I love hanging out with him, and we have dozens of inside jokes and shared traditions. Even though we speak frequently, I get a little thrill each time I hear his signature ringtone on my cellphone. I confess that Paul is so sensitive and intuitive that he 'gets me' in a very special way. Are you starting to speculate that something is a little off? Are you getting uncomfortable about the kind of guy my son is growing up to be?
For generations, mothers have gotten the message that keeping their sons close is wrong, possibly even dangerous. A mother who fosters a deep emotional bond with her son, we've been told, is setting him up to be weak and overly dependent--an archetypal mama's boy. He'll never be independent or able to form healthy adult relationships. A well-adjusted, loving mother is one who gradually but surely pushes her son away, both emotionally and physically, in order to allow him to become a healthy man. Somehow when so many of our other beliefs about the roles of men and women have been revolutionized, our view of the mother-son relationship has remained frozen in time. We've dramatically changed the way we raise our daughters, encouraging them to be assertive, play competitive sports, and aim high in the educational and professional ambitions. We don't fret about 'masculinizing' our girls.
A father who flouts gender stereotypes and teaches his daughter a traditionally masculine task--say, rebuilding a car engine--is considered pretty cool. But a mother who does something comparable--like teaching her son to knit or even encouraging him to talk more openly about his feelings--is looked at with contempt.
Many mothers are confused and anxious when it comes to raising boys. Should she stop kissing her first-grade son at school drop-off? If she cuddles her ten-year-old boy when he is hurt, will she turn him into a wimp? If her teenage boy is crying in his room, should she go in and comfort him, or will this embarrass and shame him? Anthony E. Wolf, a child psychologist and bestselling author, warms us that 'strong emotional contact with his mother is especially upsetting to any teenage boy.'
However, research has shown the opposite: A study of more than 400 middle school boys revealed that sons who were close to their mothers formed stronger friendships, were less depressed and anxious, and earned better grades than their more macho classmates. Another large study found that boys 12 and under who weren't close to their mothers were more aggressive and hostile later in childhood.
It has been long established that teenagers who have good communication with their parents are more likely to resist negative peer pressure, but new research shows that it is a boy's mother who is the most influential when it comes to risky behavior, not only with alcohol and drugs but also in preventing both early and unprotected sex.
Finally, there are no scientific studies suggesting that a boy's sexual orientation can be altered by his mother, no matter how much she loves him.
With all the concern about boys falling behind girls academically, exhibiting more behavior problems, and going to college in falling numbers, why is mother-son closeness still so discouraged?
Boys need and want a close connection with their mothers. But the pressure for mothers and sons to disengage begins at a shockingly tender age, and the pressure escalates at every stage, until a mom actually begins to believe that the best kind of parenting she can offer is to leave her depressed, silent teenage son alone to work out his own problems. Heaven forbid that she threatens his masculinity by giving him a hug and trying to get him to talk about what's bothering him.
I am not the only mother who has rejected this kind of thinking. A great many mothers keep their sons close. For the record, Paul, a young man now, is self-assured and independent. He's more than six feet tall, plays ice hockey, has lots of male friends, and had a steady girlfriend in college. Yes, we have a tight connection, and my son is still OK. I'm tired of making excuses for our closeness, and I'm not alone."
My biggest thought upon reading this article is that what I want is to be close to Luke throughout his life but never to smother him. I want him to know that I will be there for him whenever he needs me, but I won't always be hovering over his every move. To be attached but also be our own people. And that's the idea that drives my parenting decisions, whatever they may be.
These are the random thoughts that have been running through my head lately and I'm sure will continue running through my head in the years to come. So on this Mother's Day, I hope that all the mothers out there will stop stressing about raising their kids in the "right" way and figure out what way is right for them. And don't judge other mothers who make different choices. And most of all just enjoy the relationship that you have with your child. It's an extremely special relationship and one that I didn't fully understand until I became a mother myself.
To my own mom: I love you so much and appreciate everything you have done for me. I don't know what parenting decisions you decided upon as I was growing up, but whatever decisions you made, they were "right" for me and for us because I've become the type of person that I hope Luke will someday be: overall happy and content with my life, independent but with close relationships, and a strong connection to my mom.
To my mother-in-law: I'm beginning to understand a lot more about the mother-son relationship and I thank you for raising your son as you did because he is a wonderful husband and father. And also a man who has a close and healthy relationship with his mother.
Happy Mother's Day to all the mothers out there.
